If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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