; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
