I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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