sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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