And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
