last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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