This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
