i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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