fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
