if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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