Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
