I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
