maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
