i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
