The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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