So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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