the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
