she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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