proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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