Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Did I show you my penis last night?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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