I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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