so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
