Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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