Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
