stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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