She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
