I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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