my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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