This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
sarcasm needs its own font
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
