life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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