i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
