i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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