You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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