My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
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