Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
