Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
