really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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