I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
