I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
So much rum. So many feels.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
