seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
