u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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