I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
