so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
