I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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