Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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