I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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