I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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