even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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