apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
