I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
don't judge my taste in strippers
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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