You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
