Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
