Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
