Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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