I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
