I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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