I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
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