as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
