Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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