I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
