we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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