I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
