he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
