the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
