my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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