A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
