You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
